Started today off as abstinence day three. Didn't end it that way. Once again. I am really not sure if it is possible for me to overcome this addiction. I try and fail and try again and fail again. Even if I don't want it I get it and eat it. Beginning to think that inpatient treatment is my only hope, to bad it is not a possibility as it is way to expensive for my debt laden life to pay for.
Powerless- Hopeless. This is how I feel at this moment after having spent an hour watching a program of other addicts while at the same time shoving chocolate covered doughnuts into my face thinking how horribly pathetic this whole situation is.
Thanksgiving. Another excuse. I almost made it to. Ended up eating a portion of gingerbread trifle that wasn't even that good just to fit in with my family who were all enjoying it. Stupid thing is, I didn't even want it... Didn't want to finish it after the first bite. But eat it all I did. Then the constant food thoughts started in on my psyche. Before I knew it I was in a pre-programmed car headed to McDonalds and then to 7-11 to gorge my brains out on poison that I didn't want. How did I get to this? How do I get out of it?
I come by this food addiction quite honestly actually. Come from a family history of food addicted pros. I started at an early age to indulge in the one luxury that was always afforded me when the things I really desired and craved for where not available to me. We never had much growing up, but we would spend our last penny or food stamp as the case may be on sugar and flour products. I have memories of being horribly embarrassed to buy those products with food stamps back in the day when they were actually paper and not the look-a-like debit cards they have now to avoid discrimination. But my addiction was already strong and would overcome any slight embarrassment. Besides, once I indulged in the food all would be ok again.
Funny how so many people think I have it all together. Think I am such an inspiration. Little do they know that I am engaged in a constant battle against this addiction, that it consumes me from the moment I wake until the moment I fall asleep again and even then it invades my dreams at times.
I have spent the past two days literally in bed, too tired to participate in life with my family, too tired to care. Thoughts of my children growing and me missing it flitting through my head. Thinking of how much I hate this detox process, of how much it sucks and yet knowing that I will have to go through it again and again.... Sure enough here I am, facing the proposal of another session of detox as I have overloaded my sensitive system with flour and sugar once again. How else would I be able to stay up until almost midnight if not for the rush of energy these substances give me? Such a relief to once more be energetic even if it involves artificial stimulus. finally I feel normal and not lethargic and slothful. Is it sad that I have the impression that I can only be actively engaged in my life if my body is riding high on crap?
I am so angry at so many things. I resent that I was not given a stable home with two parents, siblings, large extended family that loved me. Nope, I was born to an emotionally unstable mother who could barely take care of herself. No one else wanted us and she wanted me way too much. My childhood wasn't as bad as it could have been, she says she tried her best and at times I believe her. But I am still so very resentful. Resentful that I wasn't good enough to have a father, that the possibility of siblings was snuffed out because she was selfish. Resentful that she had nothing in her life but me and for my whole life I have carried her emotional unstability on my shoulders. Instead of being the one cared for I was often expected to be the one caring. So much pressure to be placed on my shoulders. I was responsible for her emotional well being and I knew it just as sure as I knew that we were not good enough to be like normal people. Like normal families.
FA and my sponsor say that these are the things I eat over. These are the things that I must acknowledge or I will kill myself with the food. I am just trying to figure out how acknowledging these things is supposed to help and not make me feel worse, make me feel miserable.
I have so much to be grateful for, this I know and do not doubt for one second. Heavenly Father loves me and has blessed me far beyond what I deserve. Maybe that is the issue. I know that I do not deserve these blessings. There are so many others more worthy of them than I. So in the midst of my gratitude I feel unworthiness and shame. If the Lord truly knew me he would know that I don't deserve these blessings.
He would take them away. And that is where I am left waiting for the other shoe to drop. Numbing myself out so that the pain wont be noticed when it does happen. The disappointment wont be so keen because I never expected it to last anyhow.
What people would think if they only knew...
So, I hoard it like a secret.. So close to me.. My husband knows, I think... But how much of it is safe to share with him? We each have our secrets and the knowledge that he has his own demons to fight and doesn't share makes me very protective of my own.
I suppose this should make sense. Make it easier for the reader to enjoy. Oh well. Welcome to my mind of pure random, panicked thought.
Most food addicts remember food above all else. I have blocked out much of that also. My mother swears she cooked and was good at it. Try as I may I can not recall but three easy dishes she would make and then a whole lot of chicken pot pies with the tinfoil dish and microwaved dinners. Oh, and don't forget the pizza. I don't know what we had at family gatherings besides the relish dish and the rolls and a whole bunch of other food that I didn't like. The adults caught on that we were consuming a whole bunch of rolls and I remember that at one gathering they put a limit on the rolls each person could have. I took my allotted two and then put two more on my lap under the table.
When money was really scarce my mother would drive us to the fast food dumpsters and I would climb in and throw her the cardboard boxes. We would load them into the car, drive to the recycling center, get paid for them and then drive back to Mcdonalds where we would enjoy our reward for our hard work.
Once I babysat and with the money I earned bought a coveted tape of my favorite christian singer, Amy Grant. Mother was furious as she was planning on using that money for food and I had wasted it on a useless and un-needed item.
Working for a daycare I was in charge of closing up and as soon as the other adults left and most of the kids were gone I would sneak into the snack cabinet and only take enough as to not be noticed. I was fired from that job and have often wondered if my stealing the snack food was the real reason.
In high school Dennys would have an offer where you would get a free meal on your birthday. My friends and I would skip school on our birthdays and make the circuit of all the restaurants until each of us had a free meal.
I have always known that I was "less than", for some reason I was different from other people. No amount of logic can undo this belief. No amount of pretending can make it not so. I am really good at pretending by the way. I think most addicts are.
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