It dawned on me today that if this abstinent string continues I will have reached 90 days of abstinence just a few days before my birthday. What an amazing gift that would make for myself. abstinent and hopefully at my goal weight of 140lbs or smaller.
Not sure if the program is one that I will follow exactly for the rest of my life or not. I will always adhere to the tenements, but the whole program is so very strict. I have hesitations about being this strict for the rest of my life.
So today I commit to being abstinent for the next 87 days. Meaning, I will eat my proper measurements of food at three meals per day. Allowing myself a cliff bar as a treat no more than twice a week no closer than two days apart. I will call my sponsor everyday and will attend three meetings a week. It may not be perfect abstinence but it is what i feel I can do right now.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Saturday, November 26, 2011
This is what it looks like.
I can honestly say that I had close to no thoughts about food today. Crazy, especially for me who thinks about it nearly every waking hour even when I am abstinent.
I was busy today with recovery and service.
Had a great meeting this morning. Really it was a great meeting. volunteered to stand up and read which I haven't been doing lately, not sure why. After the meeting we had the "social time" where a group of us stand around just chatting and sharing information. My support group is absolutely amazing and I want to take advantage of that.
Came home and took a nap snuggled up with my baby while my hubby helped clean and prepare for people coming over tonight.
The friend that was going to come over for a crocheting class volunteered to skip it since I had kind of a full day. I am thankful that she recognized my need and was willing to help.
the rest of the day I was able to clean my kitchen in a lingering, non stressed, non hurried manner. What a difference it was to clean like it was nice but didn't matter instead of the stressed, frantic madness that my cleaning usually involves.
Only two of the ladies showed up to help cook dinner and prepare breakfast and lunch for the homeless and it happened to be two friends who I really enjoy spending time with. we had great conversation while serving others. A perfect kind of night.
My kids have frustrated me a bit. At times I am completely overwhelmed and just want to be left alone. I know I don't give them the attention they need or deserve. I'm just in a selfish place right now and I am not sure how to change that. I just keep trying to get them to entertain each other and leave me alone. Not fair to them I know. Maybe I will speak to my sponsor about this tomorrow and see what she says.
I was busy today with recovery and service.
Had a great meeting this morning. Really it was a great meeting. volunteered to stand up and read which I haven't been doing lately, not sure why. After the meeting we had the "social time" where a group of us stand around just chatting and sharing information. My support group is absolutely amazing and I want to take advantage of that.
Came home and took a nap snuggled up with my baby while my hubby helped clean and prepare for people coming over tonight.
The friend that was going to come over for a crocheting class volunteered to skip it since I had kind of a full day. I am thankful that she recognized my need and was willing to help.
the rest of the day I was able to clean my kitchen in a lingering, non stressed, non hurried manner. What a difference it was to clean like it was nice but didn't matter instead of the stressed, frantic madness that my cleaning usually involves.
Only two of the ladies showed up to help cook dinner and prepare breakfast and lunch for the homeless and it happened to be two friends who I really enjoy spending time with. we had great conversation while serving others. A perfect kind of night.
My kids have frustrated me a bit. At times I am completely overwhelmed and just want to be left alone. I know I don't give them the attention they need or deserve. I'm just in a selfish place right now and I am not sure how to change that. I just keep trying to get them to entertain each other and leave me alone. Not fair to them I know. Maybe I will speak to my sponsor about this tomorrow and see what she says.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Day 1
Welcome to abstinent day #1, again. I have lost track of how many times I have been here.
Today was a good day though. Surprisingly so considering I was unable to sleep hardly at all last night. One of the side effects of filling myself with flour and sugar. My mind goes a million miles an hour and my body is revved up with the fake energy rush. It was a horrible night. It is amazing how sensitive my body is to those substances. Aside form being unable to sleep I have gone through painful gas that leaves me literally unable to cope. I have almost had to cancel my childrens classes and activities because I was in to much pain to get out of bed. My mouth goes horribly dry and nothing makes it go away. Believe me you don't want to hear about the diarrhea... Heart burn doesn't happen all the time, but it does occur late at night when I eat.
Surprised that I would willingly do this to myself knowing the pain and discomfort I will be going through? Yeah, so am I. I do think about it before taking the first bite, but the side effects don't happen every time and most of the time I take my chances and hope for the best.
On more positive notes, I adore my new sponsor. So much different than my last one. she is kind, understanding and supportive. It is a good feeling not to have to dread calling my sponsor every morning. This one also talks.... a very refreshing thing to discover, rather than me having to fill the whole 15 min with silence on the other end. I do feel like my new sponsor is trying to help me rather than find fault with every choice I make. There is hope with this sponsor that I never felt with my other two. Is it bad that this is my third sponsor in 6 months, not including my temporary sponsor that I started with? Hopefully I will have this sponsor for a long time.
I went shopping and pizza was calling. Prayed the whole time, "Heavenly Father, please help me remain abstinent". Came so close, too close. I have to remember not to stroke those thoughts or dwell on them, for thoughts become actions if we are not careful. Proud to say that by the grace of God I am still abstinent through day 1.
Went to Yoga today and it was an amazing practice! I made it through all of the postures and have really improved. My balance on my foot that just had surgery is still off, but that will improve with time.
During the practice the instructor said something that stuck with me. she told us to take time to "honor our bodies". The choices I make in regards to my body can bring honor to my body and show appreciation to Heavenly Father for this amazing gift he has given me. I expect a lot of my body. It has created and borne and sustained six children. Such an amazing feat. My body deserves to be honored and respected.
By the grace of God there go I, to another day of abstinence god willing.
Today was a good day though. Surprisingly so considering I was unable to sleep hardly at all last night. One of the side effects of filling myself with flour and sugar. My mind goes a million miles an hour and my body is revved up with the fake energy rush. It was a horrible night. It is amazing how sensitive my body is to those substances. Aside form being unable to sleep I have gone through painful gas that leaves me literally unable to cope. I have almost had to cancel my childrens classes and activities because I was in to much pain to get out of bed. My mouth goes horribly dry and nothing makes it go away. Believe me you don't want to hear about the diarrhea... Heart burn doesn't happen all the time, but it does occur late at night when I eat.
Surprised that I would willingly do this to myself knowing the pain and discomfort I will be going through? Yeah, so am I. I do think about it before taking the first bite, but the side effects don't happen every time and most of the time I take my chances and hope for the best.
On more positive notes, I adore my new sponsor. So much different than my last one. she is kind, understanding and supportive. It is a good feeling not to have to dread calling my sponsor every morning. This one also talks.... a very refreshing thing to discover, rather than me having to fill the whole 15 min with silence on the other end. I do feel like my new sponsor is trying to help me rather than find fault with every choice I make. There is hope with this sponsor that I never felt with my other two. Is it bad that this is my third sponsor in 6 months, not including my temporary sponsor that I started with? Hopefully I will have this sponsor for a long time.
I went shopping and pizza was calling. Prayed the whole time, "Heavenly Father, please help me remain abstinent". Came so close, too close. I have to remember not to stroke those thoughts or dwell on them, for thoughts become actions if we are not careful. Proud to say that by the grace of God I am still abstinent through day 1.
Went to Yoga today and it was an amazing practice! I made it through all of the postures and have really improved. My balance on my foot that just had surgery is still off, but that will improve with time.
During the practice the instructor said something that stuck with me. she told us to take time to "honor our bodies". The choices I make in regards to my body can bring honor to my body and show appreciation to Heavenly Father for this amazing gift he has given me. I expect a lot of my body. It has created and borne and sustained six children. Such an amazing feat. My body deserves to be honored and respected.
By the grace of God there go I, to another day of abstinence god willing.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
What the hell am I doing?
Started today off as abstinence day three. Didn't end it that way. Once again. I am really not sure if it is possible for me to overcome this addiction. I try and fail and try again and fail again. Even if I don't want it I get it and eat it. Beginning to think that inpatient treatment is my only hope, to bad it is not a possibility as it is way to expensive for my debt laden life to pay for.
Powerless- Hopeless. This is how I feel at this moment after having spent an hour watching a program of other addicts while at the same time shoving chocolate covered doughnuts into my face thinking how horribly pathetic this whole situation is.
Thanksgiving. Another excuse. I almost made it to. Ended up eating a portion of gingerbread trifle that wasn't even that good just to fit in with my family who were all enjoying it. Stupid thing is, I didn't even want it... Didn't want to finish it after the first bite. But eat it all I did. Then the constant food thoughts started in on my psyche. Before I knew it I was in a pre-programmed car headed to McDonalds and then to 7-11 to gorge my brains out on poison that I didn't want. How did I get to this? How do I get out of it?
I come by this food addiction quite honestly actually. Come from a family history of food addicted pros. I started at an early age to indulge in the one luxury that was always afforded me when the things I really desired and craved for where not available to me. We never had much growing up, but we would spend our last penny or food stamp as the case may be on sugar and flour products. I have memories of being horribly embarrassed to buy those products with food stamps back in the day when they were actually paper and not the look-a-like debit cards they have now to avoid discrimination. But my addiction was already strong and would overcome any slight embarrassment. Besides, once I indulged in the food all would be ok again.
Funny how so many people think I have it all together. Think I am such an inspiration. Little do they know that I am engaged in a constant battle against this addiction, that it consumes me from the moment I wake until the moment I fall asleep again and even then it invades my dreams at times.
I have spent the past two days literally in bed, too tired to participate in life with my family, too tired to care. Thoughts of my children growing and me missing it flitting through my head. Thinking of how much I hate this detox process, of how much it sucks and yet knowing that I will have to go through it again and again.... Sure enough here I am, facing the proposal of another session of detox as I have overloaded my sensitive system with flour and sugar once again. How else would I be able to stay up until almost midnight if not for the rush of energy these substances give me? Such a relief to once more be energetic even if it involves artificial stimulus. finally I feel normal and not lethargic and slothful. Is it sad that I have the impression that I can only be actively engaged in my life if my body is riding high on crap?
I am so angry at so many things. I resent that I was not given a stable home with two parents, siblings, large extended family that loved me. Nope, I was born to an emotionally unstable mother who could barely take care of herself. No one else wanted us and she wanted me way too much. My childhood wasn't as bad as it could have been, she says she tried her best and at times I believe her. But I am still so very resentful. Resentful that I wasn't good enough to have a father, that the possibility of siblings was snuffed out because she was selfish. Resentful that she had nothing in her life but me and for my whole life I have carried her emotional unstability on my shoulders. Instead of being the one cared for I was often expected to be the one caring. So much pressure to be placed on my shoulders. I was responsible for her emotional well being and I knew it just as sure as I knew that we were not good enough to be like normal people. Like normal families.
FA and my sponsor say that these are the things I eat over. These are the things that I must acknowledge or I will kill myself with the food. I am just trying to figure out how acknowledging these things is supposed to help and not make me feel worse, make me feel miserable.
I have so much to be grateful for, this I know and do not doubt for one second. Heavenly Father loves me and has blessed me far beyond what I deserve. Maybe that is the issue. I know that I do not deserve these blessings. There are so many others more worthy of them than I. So in the midst of my gratitude I feel unworthiness and shame. If the Lord truly knew me he would know that I don't deserve these blessings.
He would take them away. And that is where I am left waiting for the other shoe to drop. Numbing myself out so that the pain wont be noticed when it does happen. The disappointment wont be so keen because I never expected it to last anyhow.
What people would think if they only knew...
So, I hoard it like a secret.. So close to me.. My husband knows, I think... But how much of it is safe to share with him? We each have our secrets and the knowledge that he has his own demons to fight and doesn't share makes me very protective of my own.
I suppose this should make sense. Make it easier for the reader to enjoy. Oh well. Welcome to my mind of pure random, panicked thought.
Most food addicts remember food above all else. I have blocked out much of that also. My mother swears she cooked and was good at it. Try as I may I can not recall but three easy dishes she would make and then a whole lot of chicken pot pies with the tinfoil dish and microwaved dinners. Oh, and don't forget the pizza. I don't know what we had at family gatherings besides the relish dish and the rolls and a whole bunch of other food that I didn't like. The adults caught on that we were consuming a whole bunch of rolls and I remember that at one gathering they put a limit on the rolls each person could have. I took my allotted two and then put two more on my lap under the table.
When money was really scarce my mother would drive us to the fast food dumpsters and I would climb in and throw her the cardboard boxes. We would load them into the car, drive to the recycling center, get paid for them and then drive back to Mcdonalds where we would enjoy our reward for our hard work.
Once I babysat and with the money I earned bought a coveted tape of my favorite christian singer, Amy Grant. Mother was furious as she was planning on using that money for food and I had wasted it on a useless and un-needed item.
Working for a daycare I was in charge of closing up and as soon as the other adults left and most of the kids were gone I would sneak into the snack cabinet and only take enough as to not be noticed. I was fired from that job and have often wondered if my stealing the snack food was the real reason.
In high school Dennys would have an offer where you would get a free meal on your birthday. My friends and I would skip school on our birthdays and make the circuit of all the restaurants until each of us had a free meal.
I have always known that I was "less than", for some reason I was different from other people. No amount of logic can undo this belief. No amount of pretending can make it not so. I am really good at pretending by the way. I think most addicts are.
Powerless- Hopeless. This is how I feel at this moment after having spent an hour watching a program of other addicts while at the same time shoving chocolate covered doughnuts into my face thinking how horribly pathetic this whole situation is.
Thanksgiving. Another excuse. I almost made it to. Ended up eating a portion of gingerbread trifle that wasn't even that good just to fit in with my family who were all enjoying it. Stupid thing is, I didn't even want it... Didn't want to finish it after the first bite. But eat it all I did. Then the constant food thoughts started in on my psyche. Before I knew it I was in a pre-programmed car headed to McDonalds and then to 7-11 to gorge my brains out on poison that I didn't want. How did I get to this? How do I get out of it?
I come by this food addiction quite honestly actually. Come from a family history of food addicted pros. I started at an early age to indulge in the one luxury that was always afforded me when the things I really desired and craved for where not available to me. We never had much growing up, but we would spend our last penny or food stamp as the case may be on sugar and flour products. I have memories of being horribly embarrassed to buy those products with food stamps back in the day when they were actually paper and not the look-a-like debit cards they have now to avoid discrimination. But my addiction was already strong and would overcome any slight embarrassment. Besides, once I indulged in the food all would be ok again.
Funny how so many people think I have it all together. Think I am such an inspiration. Little do they know that I am engaged in a constant battle against this addiction, that it consumes me from the moment I wake until the moment I fall asleep again and even then it invades my dreams at times.
I have spent the past two days literally in bed, too tired to participate in life with my family, too tired to care. Thoughts of my children growing and me missing it flitting through my head. Thinking of how much I hate this detox process, of how much it sucks and yet knowing that I will have to go through it again and again.... Sure enough here I am, facing the proposal of another session of detox as I have overloaded my sensitive system with flour and sugar once again. How else would I be able to stay up until almost midnight if not for the rush of energy these substances give me? Such a relief to once more be energetic even if it involves artificial stimulus. finally I feel normal and not lethargic and slothful. Is it sad that I have the impression that I can only be actively engaged in my life if my body is riding high on crap?
I am so angry at so many things. I resent that I was not given a stable home with two parents, siblings, large extended family that loved me. Nope, I was born to an emotionally unstable mother who could barely take care of herself. No one else wanted us and she wanted me way too much. My childhood wasn't as bad as it could have been, she says she tried her best and at times I believe her. But I am still so very resentful. Resentful that I wasn't good enough to have a father, that the possibility of siblings was snuffed out because she was selfish. Resentful that she had nothing in her life but me and for my whole life I have carried her emotional unstability on my shoulders. Instead of being the one cared for I was often expected to be the one caring. So much pressure to be placed on my shoulders. I was responsible for her emotional well being and I knew it just as sure as I knew that we were not good enough to be like normal people. Like normal families.
FA and my sponsor say that these are the things I eat over. These are the things that I must acknowledge or I will kill myself with the food. I am just trying to figure out how acknowledging these things is supposed to help and not make me feel worse, make me feel miserable.
I have so much to be grateful for, this I know and do not doubt for one second. Heavenly Father loves me and has blessed me far beyond what I deserve. Maybe that is the issue. I know that I do not deserve these blessings. There are so many others more worthy of them than I. So in the midst of my gratitude I feel unworthiness and shame. If the Lord truly knew me he would know that I don't deserve these blessings.
He would take them away. And that is where I am left waiting for the other shoe to drop. Numbing myself out so that the pain wont be noticed when it does happen. The disappointment wont be so keen because I never expected it to last anyhow.
What people would think if they only knew...
So, I hoard it like a secret.. So close to me.. My husband knows, I think... But how much of it is safe to share with him? We each have our secrets and the knowledge that he has his own demons to fight and doesn't share makes me very protective of my own.
I suppose this should make sense. Make it easier for the reader to enjoy. Oh well. Welcome to my mind of pure random, panicked thought.
Most food addicts remember food above all else. I have blocked out much of that also. My mother swears she cooked and was good at it. Try as I may I can not recall but three easy dishes she would make and then a whole lot of chicken pot pies with the tinfoil dish and microwaved dinners. Oh, and don't forget the pizza. I don't know what we had at family gatherings besides the relish dish and the rolls and a whole bunch of other food that I didn't like. The adults caught on that we were consuming a whole bunch of rolls and I remember that at one gathering they put a limit on the rolls each person could have. I took my allotted two and then put two more on my lap under the table.
When money was really scarce my mother would drive us to the fast food dumpsters and I would climb in and throw her the cardboard boxes. We would load them into the car, drive to the recycling center, get paid for them and then drive back to Mcdonalds where we would enjoy our reward for our hard work.
Once I babysat and with the money I earned bought a coveted tape of my favorite christian singer, Amy Grant. Mother was furious as she was planning on using that money for food and I had wasted it on a useless and un-needed item.
Working for a daycare I was in charge of closing up and as soon as the other adults left and most of the kids were gone I would sneak into the snack cabinet and only take enough as to not be noticed. I was fired from that job and have often wondered if my stealing the snack food was the real reason.
In high school Dennys would have an offer where you would get a free meal on your birthday. My friends and I would skip school on our birthdays and make the circuit of all the restaurants until each of us had a free meal.
I have always known that I was "less than", for some reason I was different from other people. No amount of logic can undo this belief. No amount of pretending can make it not so. I am really good at pretending by the way. I think most addicts are.
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